Scientific affirmative action

I just read that I’m now a minority in California.  Does this mean whites can’t be discriminated against any more, now that we, too, are a minority?  Don’t hold your breath.

In the hierarchy of victimhood black Africans are at the top of the heap.  If you’re from Kenya you qualify, even if you’re just off the boat.  At the bottom are whites and Asians.  Why, exactly, Asians can be discriminated against in favor of Kenyans is a bit of a mystery, but there it is.  In the middle are Hispanics, American Indians, Pacific Islanders, and, I believe, Australian aborigines, although I’m not sure about that one.

If you’re from Spain you’re Hispanic, but you’re white, too.  What’s to be done with you?  There are Mexicans who are as “white” as I am, but for some reason they get first dibs.  Why?

It’s all very confusing, so I propose a scientific form of affirmative action, one based on DNA.  Everybody will have their racial identity established by DNA, and your score will determine the extent to which you may be discriminated against.  American blacks average about 20% white blood, so as long as you scored an 80 on the blackness of your blood you’d qualify for the head of the line.  If you’re all white and/or Asian, go to the rear.  If you’re like Obama, half and half, you’d only get a 50% preference.  If you can show some Indian blood  — say 10%  — you get to move up ten places.  Some Hispanics are white, some are black, some are Native American, and most are some combination.  Black and Native American Hispanics qualify for full affirmative action.  But if you’re a half white Hispanic, according to your DNA, you only get a 50% boost.  Ted Cruz, eat your heart out.

Science will prevent cheating.  Sen. Elizabeth Warren may or may not deserve to be given a leg up because she’s 1/32 Indian.  Let’s test her and find out.  And all officials of the NAACP need to be tested to make sure nobody’s passing for black.  And here’s a dirty little secret:   there are Italians and Portuguese who pass themselves off as Hispanic, and these cheating bastards are getting away with it.  In 1972 at UCLA Law School my classmate Robert Rosario was exposed as a fake Hispanic.  He was a Goddamn Italian, and he lied about it.  He was a pretty good guy so nobody did anything about it.  But that kind of fraud is a stain on the good name of affirmative action.

There are blacks that barely qualify  — they’re like 7/8 white.  Since they’re infected with all that guilty white blood, why should they be given equal treatment with someone who’s all black?  It’s unjust.

In politics, minorities tend to vote as a bloc.  Whites in California will soon be behaving like all ethnic minorities have since the founding.  When you’re outnumbered it pays to stick together.  It’s science.  It’s also, of course, racist.

When blacks vote 97% for Obama it’s a non-story.  But when whites in California begin voting 65% or 75% for one candidate it will be the return of the Klan.  Here’s a prediction:  the odds on favorite for the U. S. Senate, black AG Kamala Harris, is going to lose to a candidate who wins with a white/Chicano alliance.

It might even be a Republican who wins: Rep. Devin Nunes.  And guess what?  He’s not even Hispanic!  His ancestors came from the Portuguese Azores, which means he’s white!  I know Spain and Portugal are right next to each other, with very similar languages, and they used to be one country, and you can no more tell a Spaniard from a Portuguese than you can tell a Norwegian from a Swede, but none of that matters.  He’s not Hispanic.

He’s white!

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