The Sad Sixteen

Perfectly coiffed and attired, the lovely debutante’s sixteen suitors gathered around her in the drawing room, all vying for her attention.  Punch and cookies are served.  Suddenly the Donald saunters through the door, dressed in a suit of white leather with an American fag emblazoned on the back of his jacket, bedecked in golden chains.  He’s got Elvis all over him.  His yellow hair is in an outrageous pompadour, a cigarette is hanging from his mouth, and he smells of whiskey.  He lowers his head and leers at her.  “What do you say, Babe?  You like to  ride?” he asks, impudently.  To her suitors’ amazement the debutante runs out the door with him, and hops on the back of his Harley.  As the television cameras roll, he looks back to his rivals, snarls “Losers!”, and does a wheelie in the driveway, sending her beautiful long legs flying in the air, as she holds tight to him, her golden hair tossing in the wind.  Together the sixteen look out the window in astonishment, as the roar of the Harley slowly fades into the distance.  This will be the lead on all the networks tonight.

Jeb! is the first to speak.  “Wheelies are illegal.  It’s called exhibition speed, and he ought to get a ticket.  They’re not even wearing helmets!  I’m calling 911.”

Kindly Dr. Carson says, “I’m afraid he might have been drinking.”

Seven in the back of the room complain bitterly among themselves.  They are all, but one, titled nobility, either sitting or former Governors and Senators.  “She never even looked at us,”  they mutter to one another.

Walker of Wisconsin is forlorn.  “I’ve got a Harley, too!” he cries.  “And I don’t get intimidated!”  He curses himself.  He should have worn his own leathers, black and manly.  But in his heart he’s desolated.  He knows he’s no Donald.  Maybe it’s the hair.

Texas Ted is unimpressed.  “You call that a wheelie?  You ought to see me rolling down the interstate on my Hyabusa, doing 90, I shift into third and pop a wheelie while I break 100.  I’ll show her who knows how to ride.”

Dr. Paul and Kindly Dr. Carson huddle together, concerned that they may have been exposed to second hand smoke.

Darkly handsome Don Juan of Florida is gazing at himself in the mirror.  “What’s not to like?” he whispers to himself.  Surely she’ll be back, and he’ll get the chance to dazzle her with sweet words and his pearly whites.  Maybe I should ditch the Vespa, though, he thinks.

Suddenly Georgette, the debutante’s spinster aunt and chaperon, bursts into the room, clutching her Bible.  She had been sewing quilts for the poor with her other church ladies upstairs when she heard the commotion.  A devout member of the Church of the Perpetually Offended, she berates the suitors for their timidity, and demands that they take action against the Donald.

When she leaves the Bear of New Jersey asks Johnny of Ohio, “What does she see in that guy, anyway?  He’s crazy.”

“Sometimes, girls just want to have fun,” he replies.  What Johnny doesn’t say is that the Donald has something she wants, and while she’s unlikely to stick with him, the one she settles on better have some of it himself.  You won’t win her heart without it.

“Bull!” says the Bear.  “”When they get back let’s all get together and kick his ass. We should do what Georgette says.”

“Yeah!”, says Jeb!  “I took jujitsu back at the Phillips Academy!”

“Not so fast,” says the Parson of Arkansas.  “I hear he’s pretty tough.”

Dr. Paul isn’t buying it, pursing his lips and saying,  “I’ve got moves he’s never seen.”

Kindly Dr. Carson asks if they all can’t just get along, and is ignored.

“Did I tell you guys I can’t be intimidated?”, growls Walker.

Soon almost all of them have joined in a discussion of how they’re going to beat up the Donald.

Only Texas Ted and Johnny of Ohio hold themselves apart, eyeing one another warily.  Each has their own plan for dealing with the Donald, and winning the debutante.  They are the smartest of the suitors, and know the Donald has weaknesses that they can exploit.  He’s been in a lot of fights, and has made a lot of enemies who want to take him down.  She’s only flirting with the Donald.  It’s just a fling.  Beating him up won’t impress her, it will just upset her. She’ll settle down and get serious once she actually has to choose.

They think.

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